A GREAT visit! Part III

(To protect the family’s privacy - I will use A for the mother, B for the father, and * for their son. ) The next morning got off to a slow start - with a leisurely breakfast at the hotel and a self-guided tour of the Capitol. I dropped the rental car and the family picked me up - and we went to Lady Bird Johnson’s Flower park for the dinosaur exhibit. This was an absolutely beautiful location, with so many strange plants (native to Texas) and several water features. Water is *’s favorite - so - that was a big hit. He was much more comfortable around me today - even initiating some conversation and calling me by name. Instead of the “Juh” sound at the start of my name, he said it with a “G” sound - making it “G-net” which sounded hilarious in his tiny voice. I was able to decipher a lot more of his speech on the second day - but his parents still had to translate sometimes. They have an adorable expression “Cheese on the phone!” Which they use whenever they are asking him to take a picture. We made progress in that department too - because I had asked permission to take his pic the previous afternoon and he glared at me in an obvious refusal. But here in the sunshine and wildflowers he was happy to climb on random benches and pose for pictures. I took a pic of the whole family together - “Cheese on the phone at a bench!” Later he climbed on a butterfly chair - that had a separate one next to it - and I asked if I could sit on the next one over while we both had “cheese on the phone” - and he happily agreed. so his parents snapped a pic - we checked that box - evidence of the visit! - without it being overly formal or forced. (I’d say it worked out perfectly.) We had planned to catch lunch together - but as soon as we started driving - * knocked out. I promised I was okay with just heading to the airport early - so they dropped me off. * woke up as I was getting out of the car - and I said goodbye to each of them. We didn’t touch at all - but I’m not big on hugs or sticky kid fingers - so it wasn’t a disappointment. (I never forced my boys to hug people they didn’t weren’t comfortable with - so I didn’t make any attempt with their son.) Waiting on my plane I went ahead and forwarded pictures I had taken of them - and they sent me our pic as well. It was lovely to have seen all of them together and while I am not opposed to another visit in a few years - maybe when they have another kid and I can see * in his role as big brother - but we don’t have anything planned now. Anyhow - I just wanted to candidly share the visit and all the emotions that went with it - and encourage you to normalize adoption. It doesn’t matter what your birth mother story looks like - how involved or uninvolved you are in your birth child’s life. The important part is to respect life and to support the family with love and encouragement. My hope is that I exist in the periphery of his consciousness as a family friend who has occasionally been around as he grows up - and that if he does have questions later in life he can know how to reach me and that his parents know I am in their corner - whatever lies ahead. I don’t want there to be any shame or hurt associated with my role in placing him with his forever family. While some confusion may be unavoidable - I want intentions to be transparent and to be a united front with his real family. Thanks for letting me share. I realized that I neglected this blog over the past few years - and there is so much more to the story that I can tell that may help folks considering adoption. But basically - I want folks to know that this has always been the right decision for me - and I have always been at peace with this choice.

A GREAT visit! Part II

(To protect the family’s privacy - I will use A for the mother, B for the father, and * for their son. ) After the bats, I had another shower and relaxed in the giant king sized bed at the hotel. One of my friends reached out to see how things were going - and I was grateful she did because it required me to try and articulate what I was feeling. The first point worth mentioning is - it WASN’T weird. It was just like visiting any family friend and catching up face to face. I am not a fan of babies and little kids - but they start getting neat at the toddler stage - and that is why we picked this time for the visit. I felt very much like I do when I interact with a nephew or niece - or any of my friends’ kids. The best way I can describe it is like having a mentality of “here is a small person I need to get to know.” So, I studied him and marveled in his mannerisms because he is a soul sharing the universe at the same time as me - rather than because I am biologically related to him. B mentioned that he sees a lot of my face when * makes certain expressions - but I didn’t see that. I didn’t see much physical resemblance to any of the boys - and instead just remarked on similarities that they had - as any parent could commiserate with another. My comments of how I remembered my own boys having the same interests or development milestones was just an effort to relate - from one parent to another. The thing that stands out the most is how absolutely LOVED * is. He is confident in the love of his family - and it translates into confidence in himself. He is willing to explore and attempt and is striving for independence - which are all indicators that he has a safe and loving base in his family. They are the platform that he will spring from - to launch himself into life - and he is remarkably loved and self-confident.

A GREAT visit! Part I

(To protect the family’s privacy - I will use A for the mother, B for the father, and * for their son. ) Flights and everything went smoothly on the way there. The family had the wonderful idea to meet at The Thinkery museum (and they even bought my ticket!). This worked out perfectly because it was super interactive with a lot of exhibits and I got to see * in his element. * was a bit standoffish - as most toddlers are with strangers - but I snapped a bunch of pics of him playing happily in the water or building forts. The joy and excitement he had - coupled with his desire to share everything with his parents - was a blessing to watch. He is curious and inquisitive and silly - all signs that he is well adjusted and smart - which is a large compliment for his parents. A&B took turns interacting in the various exhibits with him - the other one chatting with me while we watched them play. I struggled to easily understand his toddler speech - especially at first, but his parents translated and I began to catch on. Unfortunately- after a couple hours the early morning flights and the time change were taking their toll - and I was getting hungry. We ventured out into the sunshine and found an eatery nearby with something for everyone. * is potty training - and there was great excitement over his successful use of the bathroom. - I didn’t get one of *’s high fives - but I did share one with his dad - so - I was still included in the celebration. After lunch it was nearing nap time, so they headed home to tackle that while I explored Austin. I located Malin’s Fountain in Pease Park - checking an item off my bucket list - since I love the Troll Trail exhibits of Thomas Dambo. I checked into the hotel and took a quick shower to cool off - and then headed back to meet them at their home as arranged. I have been writing them letters for three years, at two different addresses actually - but it was exciting to punch it into the GPS and actually see the neighborhood and their home. (It’s GORGEOUS by the way) *’s maternal grandparents were there too. Apparently they normally do dinner together on Saturdays - and A&B had asked me previously if I was comfortable sharing the evening with them. I obviously agreed as it was an opportunity to see * interact with his extended family. * was very much the star of the show - happily climbing around furniture and interacting with the dog and his family. I got to see his favorite stuffed animal - a hedgehog (which is A’s (his mom’s) favorite too)! And at B’s request, * took me on a tour of the upstairs - including a playroom and his bedroom. He was animated and energetic and so happy. He even climbed onto the couch next to me - showing that he was totally in his element and comfortable in his surroundings. He loved being the center of attention and demanding that his Pop Pop read him several books - (and later B as well) - and instructed his dad to play catch with him and carry him on his back. We had a lovely dinner - they treated me to Tex-Mex at one of the local places they frequent. As we walked back to the car afterwards, I snapped a pic of their family silhouettes in their shadows. B asked if I wanted a picture with them - and I admitted I didn’t know. I sort of jokingly said “this is my first adoption - so - I don’t know what to do” and we both reassured each other that we want to do whatever is most comfortable for everyone involved - without forcing anything. I also realized that this visit was the pinnacle of the adoption dream for me. I haven’t really thought of any milestone after this! I just wanted to see the whole family together once * had a personality of his own and they had fallen into a groove - past the infant stage. I left them around 715pm to head to the Congress Ave Bridge to see the bats. We made plans to meet up the next morning - when I dropped the rental car - so we could have a few hours together before nap time again.

Quick Trip to Austin

This trip was three years in the making - and it is certainly different than any trip I have taken before. I’m on my way to meet up with the adoptive family. About three years ago - I was going through a separation - and my husband and his two sons had moved away from my son and I. We were still sorting things out when I found out I was pregnant. Since both he and I had spent years as single parents before getting together, we did not plan to have any more children. When I told him, his stance (like mine) was unchanged. Our youngest was 13 and the idea of starting over with diapers and teething and car seats was a nightmare we both opted out of. With his permission (which I asked for out of consideration - not out of legal requirement) - I began searching for an adoptive family. There were soooo many people longing for children - it was a little overwhelming. I used American Adoptions and the website permitted me to “shop” for a family based on any type of criteria. I included criteria like: together for more than five years, this would be their first child, had a dog, Catholic, at least one of them had gone to college... When I found the family, it was like “this is them!” had been spoken aloud to me. I contacted the agency and got started on the process. (To protect the family’s privacy - I will use A for the mother, B for the father, and * for their son. ) Every interaction I had with American Adoptions was warm and compassionate - and they always checked to make sure I was safe and my needs were met. They constantly reassured me that this was my choice - and could be changed at any time until the paperwork was finalized days after birth. I had a great team through American Adoption - the support was incredible. They organized a call with the adoptive family - and we spoke on the phone briefly. The majority of our communication was done via text and letter. Open adoption is all that is allowed in NY - (snd most states) and I was fine with that - but I explained that I’d like to share pictures and letters/cards and I would like to visit them once - prior to him turning four. My reasoning for this is that psychologically the toddler years are often forgotten - and my presence wouldn’t be a big disruption. Mainly - I wanted to SEE them as a family - each personality interacting with each other - once they had some time to get to know each other. Because we connected so early in the pregnancy - they were able to be on FaceTime for the ultrasound and together we found out I was carrying a boy. The rest of my pregnancy was filled with excitement for them and they came to NY in March - a few weeks earlier than the anticipated due date. They joined me at a routine checkup - and were with me when the doctors said we needed to induce - as the baby was in danger because of hypertension. They were there with me through a long and difficult (PAINFUL) labor - and got to cut the cord and hold him as soon as he was cleaned up. They got their own room at the hospital and we were neighbors for a couple days until they were released to go home. My husband (soon to be ex) and I met with the lawyers days later and the paperwork was signed. I met up to say goodbye before they began the long drive back. Over the years we have kept in touch - we write a few letters each year - and we trade texts on holidays and birthdays. A few months ago I reached out to see when it would be a good time to visit - and this weekend worked for both of us. It’s a short trip - just there and back the next day. We are going to The Thinkery and a park (weather permitting) and I’m meeting his grandparents at a family dinner Saturday night. I will keep you updated!

Finding The Family

Once my son and I had spoken (on the road trip) I began searching for adoptive families in ernest. I knew a couple local families interested in adoption, but I did not want to 'muddy the waters' by having my extended family in close proximity with the new family. My longing for this child was for the parents to be able to be the "real' parents - as is - 100% involved in every step of the journey - and not "adopted parents." As the stepmom in a blended family, I recognize the pain of someone pointing out the "real" parent distinction (for education plans or health decisions) when what they truly mean is "biological parents." Neither my son's biological father, nor my stepsons' biological mother, were any form of "real" parents - and I figured that problem would be exasperated if we were all members of the same community. Luckily, closed adoption isn't a thing anymore - except in circumstances where the biological parents are unknown. (I am a huge advocate for Safe Haven - more about that in a future post!) So, I knew that whomever the parents ended up being - we would be in contact for more than the duration of the pregnancy. I read through independent adoption blogs, watched videos, and eventually stumbled onto the American Adoptions website. It was easy to navigate and professionally presented - and the list of waiting families was HUGE. At first it was a bit daunting - how would I ever be able to choose from all these loving folks ready to open their hearts and homes to a child? But, as in all things, I turned to God and asked Him to help me find this baby's family. I had a vague notion of who the parents would be. I knew they were a couple that had been together for more than 3 years, that they were waiting for their first child, that they were Catholic, that they had a dog, at least one of them would have a college education, that they loved to travel, and had a REAL home - not some super posh/influencer styled house. American Adoptions lets you filter prospective families by a plethora of categories - to narrow your search to whatever specifications you have in mind. Even so, the list was expansive. Each waiting family had already been cleared to adopt through a homestudy, pysch eval, financial background check, and other factors. I scanned through photos and read bios - nearly every night on the road - after the campsite was set up - while my son was out stretching his legs or chatting with other kids at the campground. Each family was so sweet, their words almost heartbreaking in the palpable ACHE they expressed for a child. At a KOA campsite outside of Cody, Wyoming - I found them. "B & A." That was them. A real couple about my own age - their photo caught my eye, and as I read through their story - the conviction came over with certainty "THIS IS THEM." A wave of PEACE washed over me as I scanned the posted photos for details and read and re-read their words - learning everything I could about the family whose longings were fulfilled by the child I carried for them. With giddy excitement - I reached out via the contact form. As I did when speaking with EC, I poured every risk or angle I could think of. I had a desire for full transparency at every step of the process, and even though some of the circumstances were less than ideal - I laid it all on the line. I presented a honest plea that said, basically, 'you are it! are you willing to join me on this journey?' When I drove into town for dinner at a Mexican themed restaurant, the waitress' name was Scout - just like B & A's dog! I took this as another sign that this match was meant to be. The agency reached out to me, which was the logical next step - and they were kind and encouraging - a no pressure conversation - just sort of feeling me out for my level of conviction (was this just a passing thought I was exploring, what level of certainty did I feel at this stage of the journey?) and they asked compassionate questions (like, if I had enough to eat at the moment, if I had a safe place to stay, if there was anyone I could talk to about this decision - and what that support looked like). I was sent paperwork (digitally) asking about my health and background, and I was assigned an advocated - Rachel. I let them know I would be in cell service in the state of Utah in a couple days, and scheduled a time to talk more then. I slept better from then on. I had peace knowing that soon this baby's parents would be aware of their changing family status.There was just absolute trust in God's hand in all of this. In Utah, Rachel and I chatted - me in the hotel lobby in the little hours of the morning, while the laundry was spinning in the washer and my son was still asleep. I learned that the family was in Texas (I hadn't specified a state in my search) and that they had been informed a 'birth mom' (my newest title) had picked them for consideration - and they were on pins and needles and full of questions. I laid out everything, and although there was still much uncertainty (I was still only in the 2nd month!) - there was also much excitement! Rachel continued to let me know that this was not a final decision until the papers were signed at the end, but that the agency would take over my medical bills, and send a monthly stipend, once 'proof of pregnancy' was sent. We talked about how the agency has two advocates for each adoption - and that her role was to be available to me - answer my questions and address my concerns - get me the resources I needed - and be a sounding board and support for whatever feelings I had - or shifting thoughts - throughout the journey. B & A's advocate's job was to support and protect them. (Sadly, waiting families are often the victims of scams and financial abuse - where people pretend to be pregnant or considering adoption - just to receive financial support and attention.) Each side's advocate provided supports (contacts, instruction, resources, information) as needed. We made a plan for me to forward the medical paperwork (proof) to her as soon as I returned from my trip - and scheduled a "first contact" phone call with the family for the week after.

Responses to Adoption Plan

So, before I even started to show (month 4!) - responses seemed to fall into one of these four categories (listed in order of how common they occur): A) you should abort B) you should raise the baby yourself C) you are a hero - like a surrogate! (I am quick to correct people - NOT A HERO! - I am just someone who got knocked up on accident and doesn't believe in abortion) D) ADOPTION IS THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR YOU! A) seemed to come from every angle - even people who knew me and knew my heart. How disturbing it is to me that the inconvenience of pregnancy seems to be a large enough reason for otherwise compassionate and intelligent people to turn into murderers. B) has two different factions. There is the "you will learn to love the baby" party - that claims I am wrong about my inability to give any more than I already have. They are the delusional folks from my first pregnancy who believed everything would just be wonderful once I decided not to abort the baby. The second party's tagline is more like "your problem = your responsibility" - this group believes if God permitted me to get knocked up - then He must have planned for me to raise the baby. I can see the logic - and I firmly believe God blesses any of our choices if our intentions are aligned with love. However, I knew completely that this baby was mine only to grow - that I was the vessel... for another family's desires. (more about this mindset in additional posts) C) these misinformed folks think that there is some sort of maternal love that I am sacrificing for another - or that I possess superhuman selflessness. Instead - the plan to adopt is pretty much 100% selfish - on my part. I am trapped in a 10 month journey where my body is held hostage by a life form that my choices created. Adoption ensures that the hostage negotiation ends at delivery - and permits me to return to my real life without additional responsibilities. It is hard for people to grasp if they are the types of folks who get mushy around babies. I am not that type of person - and I never have been. I view this entire process as a long term babysitting gig; I will do everything in my power to keep this child healthy and safe - so that the real family can take the baby home at the end of the extended stay. D) These are mainly the folks who know me. They have seen me struggle, they watched my heartache as I barely survived being a solo parent. They have seen my sacrifices to provide stability for my son, and have seen how we have gone without... These are the folks who look with both logic and compassion - who know that there are many families longing for babies - and who trust that God's plan might not be as straightforward and clear as we often hope - but who know that life is precious and full of possibility - and that God will work all things for His glory - if we just walk the path He has given us.

Telling people...

The first person I told was in the form of a phone call to EC. Although we had not spoken recently (life and distance letting us drift apart) - we had spoken 7 years earlier about his wife's desire for children, and their inability to carry a baby to term. At that time, sitting around our kitchen table (before we broke up the first time), both G and I said, "If we ever get pregnant by accident, you can have the baby." I called and poured everything out for him - stressing the fact that I was "old" by childbirthing standards -which increased the possibility of birth defects. I also let him know that I would be carrying the baby to term regardless of his decision, and that the baby would be adopted -whether to him or to another family - and that he should not feel any pressure either way. I reiterated my stance that ALL LIFE IS PRECIOUS - and that this pregnancy was a blessing for someone - just not for me. He said beautiful things about praying for the baby's health and my own - and that everything would work out - and said he would talk it over with his wife. The second person I told was my friend TF, sitting in her car after Mass that first morning - just hours after the test results revealed this journey had already begun. She was instantly supportive, "I'm here, whatever you decide." - she must have thought I was leaning towards abortion - because she referred to the baby as "a clump of cells" at this stage. I adamantly refused - that's not what I meant when I said "It's not my baby." I explained that this baby had a family out there - they just didn't know it yet. She promised to keep my secret for now - and to help however she could. The next person was the pharmacist, mentioned in the last post. Then G. That was four people in one day... Then, time passed. I tried to schedule a dr. visit - but everyone was full - and they wanted to schedule the first visit during the time I had planned a giant road trip cross country with my son. Since I didn't track my periods, I didn't know how far along I was, but my sex life was so infrequent during this maritial separation, I knew when conception occurred - and I put myself around 5 weeks by this time. Perhaps pyschosomatically, I began feeling sharp pain in my left side - and wondered if the pregnancy was ectopic. The only place that would see me on such short notice, to rule out ectopic pregnancy, was Planned Parenthood. Although I am aware of all the wonderful services they provide at low cost, I am strictly opposed to abortion as a form of birth control - and their name is synonymous with abortion. I have been pro-life my whole life. I do not hate or shame anyone who has had an abortion - and I have seen first hand the pain and grief and hurt that women AND men feel after they have made that choice. I have attended the March for Life with youth groups and as an adult as well. My facebook page posts in January proclaim that All Life Is Precious - and I am public in my opposition to the death penalty and abortion as birth control. It was an uncomfortable visit, not just because they put the sonogram wand inside my vagina (no one's favorite activity) but also because EVERY person I interacted with there used the word "terminate." The intake nurse said something along the lines of "if you decide to terminate, we have options we can utilize today, and the doctor will explain those." When I greeted the doctor, I explained that I was pregnant unintentionally, and that this baby would be adopted out. The doctor sort of smiled ruefully and said, "we have other options, and if you do decide to terminate, it is easier earlier - rather than later." Another nurse said, "I couldn't do that." when I explained I would be trying to grow the healthiest baby I could - to give to someone else. Even after confirming that the pregnancy was developing normally, baby happily attached inside the uterus, they tried handing me pamphlets about these 'termination options' that they offered. I couldn't help but wonder how many uncertain mothers had been swayed by these medical professionals who had become so desensitized to the murder of children. And then, I didn't tell anyone for a while. Before my trip, I had coffee with a friend (K) who had struggled with infertility in her own life. She had attended a March for Life pilgrimage with me, and she listened as I poured out my frustration at the situation and my fears for my health and how to tell my son and everything that had been building up since I first found out. She was exactly the support I needed at the time. She didn't invalidate my concerns or try to present a different solution. She just heard me and supported me and made it okay. It was OKAY not to be excited about being pregnant. It was OKAY to know I couldn't raise another child. It was OKAY to be scared of this whole process. AND - it was OKAY to trust that God would work even this into a blessing. G and I agreed we would each tell our children ourselves. Since I had the big trip with my kiddo, I figured I would tell him on the road - which would give us enough time to have as many conversations as we needed to get on the same page. G's boys already had a half a dozen half siblings out there, some of whom they knew - some they had never met, so I didn't anticipate it would be big news for them to digest. My sister had adopted 10 kids, so the idea of adoption wasn't foreign to our family. My son was stoic and accepting. We have always had honesty and transparency, so I felt comfortable telling him. His response was, "OK - well, it's gonna be really hard for you to lose all that weight since you don't like to work out." haha! And later - "It's your choice, it doesn't affect me." I slept a lot during that trip - growing a baby takes a lot of energy! My son was so understanding. (G never got around to telling his boys - but since they talk on the phone nearly every day, they were aware before we got back from the trip.) On the road trip, I called my cousin DC, who was aware of my pro-life stance and I knew would be supportive of my adoption plan, and he responded perfectly by saying, "whatever you decide is a brave choice." In Wyoming, I reached out to American Adoptions - because I found the baby's family. THAT deserves a post of its own.... (forthcoming!) - and the agency's response was perfect. Each member I spoke to was kind and reassured me that I could change my mind at any time - and they thanked me for exploring this option. I was assigned an advocate (Rachel) - and we spoke more in Utah, once I got to an area with cell reception. We scheduled a time to talk with the family I had chosen - after I returned home. I stopped by another cousin's (VS) house at the very end of the road trip, a cousin who shares my faith and is pro-life as well. She was NOT as supportive as I anticipated. She was vehement about me raising the child myself. My confusion was enormous... She often expressed how difficult it was to parent and work full time - and she had a spouse! She had seen my struggle to raise Daig alone - and how long it took for us to have "basic" things - such as a house - that she took for granted. She had seen me barely surviving the past decade plus.... and she still felt strongly that I should accept the burden as a blessing - and keep the baby. Even more disconcerning was when I informed my sister of both the pregnancy and the adoption plan. She said (a quote that horrified me), "It's not too late for an abortion." Since she has known me my whole life, I was shocked at her response. I was even angry. Adoption wasn't wrong - why was she so quick to rule it out? (In subsequent conversations - it became clear that she was trying to be supportive and if I had been on the fence, she wanted me to know she would love me regardless of my choice. However, it pushed me further away from her because I had already told her my intention to adopt.)