Telling people...

The first person I told was in the form of a phone call to EC. Although we had not spoken recently (life and distance letting us drift apart) - we had spoken 7 years earlier about his wife's desire for children, and their inability to carry a baby to term. At that time, sitting around our kitchen table (before we broke up the first time), both G and I said, "If we ever get pregnant by accident, you can have the baby." I called and poured everything out for him - stressing the fact that I was "old" by childbirthing standards -which increased the possibility of birth defects. I also let him know that I would be carrying the baby to term regardless of his decision, and that the baby would be adopted -whether to him or to another family - and that he should not feel any pressure either way. I reiterated my stance that ALL LIFE IS PRECIOUS - and that this pregnancy was a blessing for someone - just not for me. He said beautiful things about praying for the baby's health and my own - and that everything would work out - and said he would talk it over with his wife. The second person I told was my friend TF, sitting in her car after Mass that first morning - just hours after the test results revealed this journey had already begun. She was instantly supportive, "I'm here, whatever you decide." - she must have thought I was leaning towards abortion - because she referred to the baby as "a clump of cells" at this stage. I adamantly refused - that's not what I meant when I said "It's not my baby." I explained that this baby had a family out there - they just didn't know it yet. She promised to keep my secret for now - and to help however she could. The next person was the pharmacist, mentioned in the last post. Then G. That was four people in one day... Then, time passed. I tried to schedule a dr. visit - but everyone was full - and they wanted to schedule the first visit during the time I had planned a giant road trip cross country with my son. Since I didn't track my periods, I didn't know how far along I was, but my sex life was so infrequent during this maritial separation, I knew when conception occurred - and I put myself around 5 weeks by this time. Perhaps pyschosomatically, I began feeling sharp pain in my left side - and wondered if the pregnancy was ectopic. The only place that would see me on such short notice, to rule out ectopic pregnancy, was Planned Parenthood. Although I am aware of all the wonderful services they provide at low cost, I am strictly opposed to abortion as a form of birth control - and their name is synonymous with abortion. I have been pro-life my whole life. I do not hate or shame anyone who has had an abortion - and I have seen first hand the pain and grief and hurt that women AND men feel after they have made that choice. I have attended the March for Life with youth groups and as an adult as well. My facebook page posts in January proclaim that All Life Is Precious - and I am public in my opposition to the death penalty and abortion as birth control. It was an uncomfortable visit, not just because they put the sonogram wand inside my vagina (no one's favorite activity) but also because EVERY person I interacted with there used the word "terminate." The intake nurse said something along the lines of "if you decide to terminate, we have options we can utilize today, and the doctor will explain those." When I greeted the doctor, I explained that I was pregnant unintentionally, and that this baby would be adopted out. The doctor sort of smiled ruefully and said, "we have other options, and if you do decide to terminate, it is easier earlier - rather than later." Another nurse said, "I couldn't do that." when I explained I would be trying to grow the healthiest baby I could - to give to someone else. Even after confirming that the pregnancy was developing normally, baby happily attached inside the uterus, they tried handing me pamphlets about these 'termination options' that they offered. I couldn't help but wonder how many uncertain mothers had been swayed by these medical professionals who had become so desensitized to the murder of children. And then, I didn't tell anyone for a while. Before my trip, I had coffee with a friend (K) who had struggled with infertility in her own life. She had attended a March for Life pilgrimage with me, and she listened as I poured out my frustration at the situation and my fears for my health and how to tell my son and everything that had been building up since I first found out. She was exactly the support I needed at the time. She didn't invalidate my concerns or try to present a different solution. She just heard me and supported me and made it okay. It was OKAY not to be excited about being pregnant. It was OKAY to know I couldn't raise another child. It was OKAY to be scared of this whole process. AND - it was OKAY to trust that God would work even this into a blessing. G and I agreed we would each tell our children ourselves. Since I had the big trip with my kiddo, I figured I would tell him on the road - which would give us enough time to have as many conversations as we needed to get on the same page. G's boys already had a half a dozen half siblings out there, some of whom they knew - some they had never met, so I didn't anticipate it would be big news for them to digest. My sister had adopted 10 kids, so the idea of adoption wasn't foreign to our family. My son was stoic and accepting. We have always had honesty and transparency, so I felt comfortable telling him. His response was, "OK - well, it's gonna be really hard for you to lose all that weight since you don't like to work out." haha! And later - "It's your choice, it doesn't affect me." I slept a lot during that trip - growing a baby takes a lot of energy! My son was so understanding. (G never got around to telling his boys - but since they talk on the phone nearly every day, they were aware before we got back from the trip.) On the road trip, I called my cousin DC, who was aware of my pro-life stance and I knew would be supportive of my adoption plan, and he responded perfectly by saying, "whatever you decide is a brave choice." In Wyoming, I reached out to American Adoptions - because I found the baby's family. THAT deserves a post of its own.... (forthcoming!) - and the agency's response was perfect. Each member I spoke to was kind and reassured me that I could change my mind at any time - and they thanked me for exploring this option. I was assigned an advocate (Rachel) - and we spoke more in Utah, once I got to an area with cell reception. We scheduled a time to talk with the family I had chosen - after I returned home. I stopped by another cousin's (VS) house at the very end of the road trip, a cousin who shares my faith and is pro-life as well. She was NOT as supportive as I anticipated. She was vehement about me raising the child myself. My confusion was enormous... She often expressed how difficult it was to parent and work full time - and she had a spouse! She had seen my struggle to raise Daig alone - and how long it took for us to have "basic" things - such as a house - that she took for granted. She had seen me barely surviving the past decade plus.... and she still felt strongly that I should accept the burden as a blessing - and keep the baby. Even more disconcerning was when I informed my sister of both the pregnancy and the adoption plan. She said (a quote that horrified me), "It's not too late for an abortion." Since she has known me my whole life, I was shocked at her response. I was even angry. Adoption wasn't wrong - why was she so quick to rule it out? (In subsequent conversations - it became clear that she was trying to be supportive and if I had been on the fence, she wanted me to know she would love me regardless of my choice. However, it pushed me further away from her because I had already told her my intention to adopt.)