Finding The Family

Once my son and I had spoken (on the road trip) I began searching for adoptive families in ernest. I knew a couple local families interested in adoption, but I did not want to 'muddy the waters' by having my extended family in close proximity with the new family. My longing for this child was for the parents to be able to be the "real' parents - as is - 100% involved in every step of the journey - and not "adopted parents." As the stepmom in a blended family, I recognize the pain of someone pointing out the "real" parent distinction (for education plans or health decisions) when what they truly mean is "biological parents." Neither my son's biological father, nor my stepsons' biological mother, were any form of "real" parents - and I figured that problem would be exasperated if we were all members of the same community. Luckily, closed adoption isn't a thing anymore - except in circumstances where the biological parents are unknown. (I am a huge advocate for Safe Haven - more about that in a future post!) So, I knew that whomever the parents ended up being - we would be in contact for more than the duration of the pregnancy. I read through independent adoption blogs, watched videos, and eventually stumbled onto the American Adoptions website. It was easy to navigate and professionally presented - and the list of waiting families was HUGE. At first it was a bit daunting - how would I ever be able to choose from all these loving folks ready to open their hearts and homes to a child? But, as in all things, I turned to God and asked Him to help me find this baby's family. I had a vague notion of who the parents would be. I knew they were a couple that had been together for more than 3 years, that they were waiting for their first child, that they were Catholic, that they had a dog, at least one of them would have a college education, that they loved to travel, and had a REAL home - not some super posh/influencer styled house. American Adoptions lets you filter prospective families by a plethora of categories - to narrow your search to whatever specifications you have in mind. Even so, the list was expansive. Each waiting family had already been cleared to adopt through a homestudy, pysch eval, financial background check, and other factors. I scanned through photos and read bios - nearly every night on the road - after the campsite was set up - while my son was out stretching his legs or chatting with other kids at the campground. Each family was so sweet, their words almost heartbreaking in the palpable ACHE they expressed for a child. At a KOA campsite outside of Cody, Wyoming - I found them. "B & A." That was them. A real couple about my own age - their photo caught my eye, and as I read through their story - the conviction came over with certainty "THIS IS THEM." A wave of PEACE washed over me as I scanned the posted photos for details and read and re-read their words - learning everything I could about the family whose longings were fulfilled by the child I carried for them. With giddy excitement - I reached out via the contact form. As I did when speaking with EC, I poured every risk or angle I could think of. I had a desire for full transparency at every step of the process, and even though some of the circumstances were less than ideal - I laid it all on the line. I presented a honest plea that said, basically, 'you are it! are you willing to join me on this journey?' When I drove into town for dinner at a Mexican themed restaurant, the waitress' name was Scout - just like B & A's dog! I took this as another sign that this match was meant to be. The agency reached out to me, which was the logical next step - and they were kind and encouraging - a no pressure conversation - just sort of feeling me out for my level of conviction (was this just a passing thought I was exploring, what level of certainty did I feel at this stage of the journey?) and they asked compassionate questions (like, if I had enough to eat at the moment, if I had a safe place to stay, if there was anyone I could talk to about this decision - and what that support looked like). I was sent paperwork (digitally) asking about my health and background, and I was assigned an advocated - Rachel. I let them know I would be in cell service in the state of Utah in a couple days, and scheduled a time to talk more then. I slept better from then on. I had peace knowing that soon this baby's parents would be aware of their changing family status.There was just absolute trust in God's hand in all of this. In Utah, Rachel and I chatted - me in the hotel lobby in the little hours of the morning, while the laundry was spinning in the washer and my son was still asleep. I learned that the family was in Texas (I hadn't specified a state in my search) and that they had been informed a 'birth mom' (my newest title) had picked them for consideration - and they were on pins and needles and full of questions. I laid out everything, and although there was still much uncertainty (I was still only in the 2nd month!) - there was also much excitement! Rachel continued to let me know that this was not a final decision until the papers were signed at the end, but that the agency would take over my medical bills, and send a monthly stipend, once 'proof of pregnancy' was sent. We talked about how the agency has two advocates for each adoption - and that her role was to be available to me - answer my questions and address my concerns - get me the resources I needed - and be a sounding board and support for whatever feelings I had - or shifting thoughts - throughout the journey. B & A's advocate's job was to support and protect them. (Sadly, waiting families are often the victims of scams and financial abuse - where people pretend to be pregnant or considering adoption - just to receive financial support and attention.) Each side's advocate provided supports (contacts, instruction, resources, information) as needed. We made a plan for me to forward the medical paperwork (proof) to her as soon as I returned from my trip - and scheduled a "first contact" phone call with the family for the week after.