A GREAT visit! Part III

(To protect the family’s privacy - I will use A for the mother, B for the father, and * for their son. ) The next morning got off to a slow start - with a leisurely breakfast at the hotel and a self-guided tour of the Capitol. I dropped the rental car and the family picked me up - and we went to Lady Bird Johnson’s Flower park for the dinosaur exhibit. This was an absolutely beautiful location, with so many strange plants (native to Texas) and several water features. Water is *’s favorite - so - that was a big hit. He was much more comfortable around me today - even initiating some conversation and calling me by name. Instead of the “Juh” sound at the start of my name, he said it with a “G” sound - making it “G-net” which sounded hilarious in his tiny voice. I was able to decipher a lot more of his speech on the second day - but his parents still had to translate sometimes. They have an adorable expression “Cheese on the phone!” Which they use whenever they are asking him to take a picture. We made progress in that department too - because I had asked permission to take his pic the previous afternoon and he glared at me in an obvious refusal. But here in the sunshine and wildflowers he was happy to climb on random benches and pose for pictures. I took a pic of the whole family together - “Cheese on the phone at a bench!” Later he climbed on a butterfly chair - that had a separate one next to it - and I asked if I could sit on the next one over while we both had “cheese on the phone” - and he happily agreed. so his parents snapped a pic - we checked that box - evidence of the visit! - without it being overly formal or forced. (I’d say it worked out perfectly.) We had planned to catch lunch together - but as soon as we started driving - * knocked out. I promised I was okay with just heading to the airport early - so they dropped me off. * woke up as I was getting out of the car - and I said goodbye to each of them. We didn’t touch at all - but I’m not big on hugs or sticky kid fingers - so it wasn’t a disappointment. (I never forced my boys to hug people they didn’t weren’t comfortable with - so I didn’t make any attempt with their son.) Waiting on my plane I went ahead and forwarded pictures I had taken of them - and they sent me our pic as well. It was lovely to have seen all of them together and while I am not opposed to another visit in a few years - maybe when they have another kid and I can see * in his role as big brother - but we don’t have anything planned now. Anyhow - I just wanted to candidly share the visit and all the emotions that went with it - and encourage you to normalize adoption. It doesn’t matter what your birth mother story looks like - how involved or uninvolved you are in your birth child’s life. The important part is to respect life and to support the family with love and encouragement. My hope is that I exist in the periphery of his consciousness as a family friend who has occasionally been around as he grows up - and that if he does have questions later in life he can know how to reach me and that his parents know I am in their corner - whatever lies ahead. I don’t want there to be any shame or hurt associated with my role in placing him with his forever family. While some confusion may be unavoidable - I want intentions to be transparent and to be a united front with his real family. Thanks for letting me share. I realized that I neglected this blog over the past few years - and there is so much more to the story that I can tell that may help folks considering adoption. But basically - I want folks to know that this has always been the right decision for me - and I have always been at peace with this choice.

A GREAT visit! Part II

(To protect the family’s privacy - I will use A for the mother, B for the father, and * for their son. ) After the bats, I had another shower and relaxed in the giant king sized bed at the hotel. One of my friends reached out to see how things were going - and I was grateful she did because it required me to try and articulate what I was feeling. The first point worth mentioning is - it WASN’T weird. It was just like visiting any family friend and catching up face to face. I am not a fan of babies and little kids - but they start getting neat at the toddler stage - and that is why we picked this time for the visit. I felt very much like I do when I interact with a nephew or niece - or any of my friends’ kids. The best way I can describe it is like having a mentality of “here is a small person I need to get to know.” So, I studied him and marveled in his mannerisms because he is a soul sharing the universe at the same time as me - rather than because I am biologically related to him. B mentioned that he sees a lot of my face when * makes certain expressions - but I didn’t see that. I didn’t see much physical resemblance to any of the boys - and instead just remarked on similarities that they had - as any parent could commiserate with another. My comments of how I remembered my own boys having the same interests or development milestones was just an effort to relate - from one parent to another. The thing that stands out the most is how absolutely LOVED * is. He is confident in the love of his family - and it translates into confidence in himself. He is willing to explore and attempt and is striving for independence - which are all indicators that he has a safe and loving base in his family. They are the platform that he will spring from - to launch himself into life - and he is remarkably loved and self-confident.

A GREAT visit! Part I

(To protect the family’s privacy - I will use A for the mother, B for the father, and * for their son. ) Flights and everything went smoothly on the way there. The family had the wonderful idea to meet at The Thinkery museum (and they even bought my ticket!). This worked out perfectly because it was super interactive with a lot of exhibits and I got to see * in his element. * was a bit standoffish - as most toddlers are with strangers - but I snapped a bunch of pics of him playing happily in the water or building forts. The joy and excitement he had - coupled with his desire to share everything with his parents - was a blessing to watch. He is curious and inquisitive and silly - all signs that he is well adjusted and smart - which is a large compliment for his parents. A&B took turns interacting in the various exhibits with him - the other one chatting with me while we watched them play. I struggled to easily understand his toddler speech - especially at first, but his parents translated and I began to catch on. Unfortunately- after a couple hours the early morning flights and the time change were taking their toll - and I was getting hungry. We ventured out into the sunshine and found an eatery nearby with something for everyone. * is potty training - and there was great excitement over his successful use of the bathroom. - I didn’t get one of *’s high fives - but I did share one with his dad - so - I was still included in the celebration. After lunch it was nearing nap time, so they headed home to tackle that while I explored Austin. I located Malin’s Fountain in Pease Park - checking an item off my bucket list - since I love the Troll Trail exhibits of Thomas Dambo. I checked into the hotel and took a quick shower to cool off - and then headed back to meet them at their home as arranged. I have been writing them letters for three years, at two different addresses actually - but it was exciting to punch it into the GPS and actually see the neighborhood and their home. (It’s GORGEOUS by the way) *’s maternal grandparents were there too. Apparently they normally do dinner together on Saturdays - and A&B had asked me previously if I was comfortable sharing the evening with them. I obviously agreed as it was an opportunity to see * interact with his extended family. * was very much the star of the show - happily climbing around furniture and interacting with the dog and his family. I got to see his favorite stuffed animal - a hedgehog (which is A’s (his mom’s) favorite too)! And at B’s request, * took me on a tour of the upstairs - including a playroom and his bedroom. He was animated and energetic and so happy. He even climbed onto the couch next to me - showing that he was totally in his element and comfortable in his surroundings. He loved being the center of attention and demanding that his Pop Pop read him several books - (and later B as well) - and instructed his dad to play catch with him and carry him on his back. We had a lovely dinner - they treated me to Tex-Mex at one of the local places they frequent. As we walked back to the car afterwards, I snapped a pic of their family silhouettes in their shadows. B asked if I wanted a picture with them - and I admitted I didn’t know. I sort of jokingly said “this is my first adoption - so - I don’t know what to do” and we both reassured each other that we want to do whatever is most comfortable for everyone involved - without forcing anything. I also realized that this visit was the pinnacle of the adoption dream for me. I haven’t really thought of any milestone after this! I just wanted to see the whole family together once * had a personality of his own and they had fallen into a groove - past the infant stage. I left them around 715pm to head to the Congress Ave Bridge to see the bats. We made plans to meet up the next morning - when I dropped the rental car - so we could have a few hours together before nap time again.

Quick Trip to Austin

This trip was three years in the making - and it is certainly different than any trip I have taken before. I’m on my way to meet up with the adoptive family. About three years ago - I was going through a separation - and my husband and his two sons had moved away from my son and I. We were still sorting things out when I found out I was pregnant. Since both he and I had spent years as single parents before getting together, we did not plan to have any more children. When I told him, his stance (like mine) was unchanged. Our youngest was 13 and the idea of starting over with diapers and teething and car seats was a nightmare we both opted out of. With his permission (which I asked for out of consideration - not out of legal requirement) - I began searching for an adoptive family. There were soooo many people longing for children - it was a little overwhelming. I used American Adoptions and the website permitted me to “shop” for a family based on any type of criteria. I included criteria like: together for more than five years, this would be their first child, had a dog, Catholic, at least one of them had gone to college... When I found the family, it was like “this is them!” had been spoken aloud to me. I contacted the agency and got started on the process. (To protect the family’s privacy - I will use A for the mother, B for the father, and * for their son. ) Every interaction I had with American Adoptions was warm and compassionate - and they always checked to make sure I was safe and my needs were met. They constantly reassured me that this was my choice - and could be changed at any time until the paperwork was finalized days after birth. I had a great team through American Adoption - the support was incredible. They organized a call with the adoptive family - and we spoke on the phone briefly. The majority of our communication was done via text and letter. Open adoption is all that is allowed in NY - (snd most states) and I was fine with that - but I explained that I’d like to share pictures and letters/cards and I would like to visit them once - prior to him turning four. My reasoning for this is that psychologically the toddler years are often forgotten - and my presence wouldn’t be a big disruption. Mainly - I wanted to SEE them as a family - each personality interacting with each other - once they had some time to get to know each other. Because we connected so early in the pregnancy - they were able to be on FaceTime for the ultrasound and together we found out I was carrying a boy. The rest of my pregnancy was filled with excitement for them and they came to NY in March - a few weeks earlier than the anticipated due date. They joined me at a routine checkup - and were with me when the doctors said we needed to induce - as the baby was in danger because of hypertension. They were there with me through a long and difficult (PAINFUL) labor - and got to cut the cord and hold him as soon as he was cleaned up. They got their own room at the hospital and we were neighbors for a couple days until they were released to go home. My husband (soon to be ex) and I met with the lawyers days later and the paperwork was signed. I met up to say goodbye before they began the long drive back. Over the years we have kept in touch - we write a few letters each year - and we trade texts on holidays and birthdays. A few months ago I reached out to see when it would be a good time to visit - and this weekend worked for both of us. It’s a short trip - just there and back the next day. We are going to The Thinkery and a park (weather permitting) and I’m meeting his grandparents at a family dinner Saturday night. I will keep you updated!